We found out early on about our pregnancy, and yet after a couple of weeks something was not right as Kate started to experience cramps. We both have a faith in God, so we asked Him to keep the baby safe. I was so sure He would! And I was bewildered when both Kate and I had visions directing us not to hold onto the child. I was so confused why a God of love would lead us this way. We named our child Moses (sent into the waters). Losing Moses is the most challenging thing I’ve ever been through (including cancer and the passing of my Father). We fell into grief and struggled to rationalize why such a thing would happen. We went on to battle infertility for the next seven years. Kate and I wrote children's books as we processed those dark days. Kate’s book is called ‘The Great Adventure’. It’s a book about holding on during the difficult seasons. It's profound and moves something deep inside us.
I wrote a book called Happy Hippo which is a declaration to myself to stay upbeat in difficult times. There is a restorative power in writing that I would encourage everyone to do. It helps to untangle the confusion and chaos of the season.
So to say we were surprised last January to discover we were pregnant again is an understatement. This time it’s been a different battle. We have both struggled with fear and after two weeks of finding out, Kate entered a battle with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (uncontrollable nausea and vomiting). It put her in the ER three times as she lost 25 lbs from her slender frame. It lasted three months and we did our best just to survive the season. We came out the other side in July and now we’re expecting our rainbow son in late September. I don’t know or understand why life has outworked the way it has. But we have seen God move in the broken places. We wrote five children’s books, developed our business (Little Fruit Tree) which has manufactured and delivered over 14,000 rainbow based gifts to those in similar situations.
Many people have written letting us know their rainbow stories, others have written saying they are purchasing one of our products in faith that there are better days ahead. We have seen God move in symbols like a giant hot air balloon turning up at our baby shower, and friends and family that have spoken life over us and stuck by our side .
As I reflect back on the last seven years, it has been full: full of love, full of prayer, full of intimacy, full of unknowing and at times full of heartache. I have not found a healthy way to process the pain of grief, only an unwilling surrender as I go through it. The waves of life crash in from time to time, hold onto hope in those days, you’ll make it through the difficult waters, remember you’re probably doing better than you think.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Love will be revealed at the mountain peak and in the valley floor. All you have to do is just hang in there.
Stu & Kate Macklin